Realisation

Now I know, what it feels like.

I am 25 years old and working in an IT firm. I have been working for 2 years now. I am living on my own in a one BHK apartment.

It was a Sunday, I woke up at 11AM and checked my phone for some time. I was feeling too lazy to get up from my bed, so I lied down there and kept checking my phone for some more time.

I did not want to get up from my bed at all, I wanted to lie there for the whole day. I did not want to meet anybody either because that would need me to get up and get ready. I finally got up from my bed around 3PM when I was starving. Then I went to the bathroom and quickly brushed my teeth, ordered biryani and had my lunch around 4PM. I threw my plate into the sink and went back to bed. It was a lazy day and I had zero energy to do anything.

After wasting the whole weekend successfully, it was time to regret about it. It was 2 AM on the Monday and I was thinking about how I did not do anything productive in the past two days. I could have studied, worked out, even cleaned my room. When I thought of how I couldn’t get up early in the morning, I remember, back in 2004:

It was a Saturday night; we were watching TV after having dinner, dad told me, “Wake me early tomorrow and we will go for a morning walk at 6”. I was about 8 years old then.

It was 6:30 on the Sunday morning.

Me – Dad! Dad! Wake up! We were supposed to go for a walk at 6.

Dad – hmm

I was sitting on my dad’s belly, shaking him, calling him, trying to wake him. And lied beside him after some time realizing he won’t get up any sooner.

Dad finally got up at 8 O’clock.

We went out, had breakfast in the nearby stall and came home.

My Dad was over 80 kgs and he was so cute. He used to tell me that there are baby elephants inside his belly. I used to play with his belly like a ball. He was full of fun. But Now I know, it’s really hard to wake up on your off day.

At 5PM, I wanted to go out. I asked dad to take me out, Dad would say okay but won’t get up from his seat. I would try few more time but dad would keep procrastinating.

Did I not ditch all my friends just to stay home and do nothing?

We would watch TV in the evening. I would be bored till 8PM, that’s the time till when, my dad and my grand dad would watch news or cricket. After 8PM, my grand dad would go back to his room and wait for his dinner and then sleep. Dad would then put a Jackie Chan’s movie or some comedy movie and all of us would watch it together. I didn’t really like comedy shows or Japanese shows.

I don’t know how but now I am glad that I have watched those evergreen movies and now when I recall those funny scenes, I feel so happy. And guess what? I like comedy shows now. Also, most of the people around me don’t agree with my taste either.

When I was about 10 years old. One morning, I asked my dad to buy me a watch. Dad said, “okay”. Dad came home from office around 7:30PM but he didn’t bring the watch for me. I asked him about it, he said he will get it tomorrow. I would just hope to get my watch next day. This happened for many days, even months.

I slowly stopped asking him every day but my heart would always secretly wish for a surprise every day.

Every day when he returns home from somewhere, I would be expecting some surprise. Could be a small chocolate or something big, like a new dress.

As a kid, I did not understand your problem. It could have been money or could have been your way of parenting. But now I know Dad, we don’t or can’t buy everything we think of. Sometimes, we can’t afford everything and sometimes we just delay. We don’t need to buy everything we wish for.

One evening, I asked dad to take me and my siblings to the nearby shopping center. Dad agreed to take us there but with a condition that we won’t ask for anything there. We reached the showroom and it was very fancy. They had those expensive ice creams, at least 50 INR for a scoop. I asked dad to buy us one of those ice-creams. That was a luxury those days, which was out of our league.

Now I feel really sad for demanding those ice creams that day. For me it’s like, I can’t buy an expensive phone for myself or can’t afford a holiday every month. It feels the same when I swipe my credit card at the month end. Dad didn’t even have a credit card.

When I entered my teenage, I became more sensitive.

We used to buy new dress for one festival in the whole year. Dad would get advance salary in the month of October. I would ask dad to buy me new clothes from a month ago. Every day, in the evening, I would ask him if we are going to the market today. Every time he says, “not today”, my little heart would break. My friends in the school had already bought their new dresses, they would describe their dress and how stylish, pretty and expensive they are.

But my best friend and I had a similar story. Even though her family, lifestyle, mom, dad everything was so different from me. I don’t know how but I used to relate to her a lot. Somehow, she would made me feel that I am not the saddest person in the world. She was a little girl (in height and weight as well). We were in the same class. We used to sit together. She used to admire me a lot, she still does that.

Now I know, she had a habit of copying everything, even nature, behavior, psychology, feelings. She was trying to relate her problems with me. Whatever she was doing, made us best friends. We are still best friends. As a kid, we don’t judge anybody with their appearance or their deeds. We simply feel comfortable with them. We like and enjoy their company.

I was a sincere, discipline and polite student. Not a topper but an average student. For some reason, I wasn’t the favorite of any teacher except our Hindi teacher. I was good in Hindi, the teacher used to like me.

Anyway, I wasn’t the saddest person in the world because my best friend hasn’t bought her new dress yet either.

There is only one Sunday left before the festival. I was pretty hopeful that we would go for shopping this Sunday. I would ask dad if we are going for shopping today but dad says no. My heart breaks again. I could, now, feel that the entire home becomes sad because I was sad. I was able to see the sadness on Dad’s face as well. He was helpless because he hadn’t got the advance salary yet.

Festival is on Friday; dad asked me to get ready to go for shopping on Tuesday. Oh my god, happiness is all around. That was a surprise for me. We went for shopping; we bought my new dress but dad and mom haven’t bought anything for themselves.

Sometimes, dad won’t get the advance till the occasion and he would borrow some money from his friend or my uncle. I have also run out of money few times; I have also borrowed money from my friends. I can definitely feel my dad now. I did not know much but the moment when dad ask me to get ready to go out, were the happiest moment for me. Those were the priceless moments in my childhood.

Finally, my best friend’s mom has also bought her a new dress just two days ago the festival. Her dress was always prettier than mine.

When I grew up some more.

I always wanted to get a haircut in one of those fancy beauty parlors. Dad finally agreed for it. Dad and I went to the beauty parlor to get a haircut. Dad asked the beautician about the prices, she said 50 INR including hair wash which was mandatory for the haircut. We came back home without a haircut.

I still don’t go for a haircut in those fancy salons without a discount coupon. I also feel now, the manicures, the pedicures, facial treatments or the spa treatments are not necessary. I don’t waste money on them because I am earning myself now. I was so demanding then. I just wish I had understood everything.

I belong to a conservative family, when I grew older, I slowly started maintaining physical distance from my dad. I won’t play with dad or sit or jump on him anymore. I won’t sleep beside him and watch TV together. I won’t hug or kiss him anymore. Dad was very sentimental about these changes. I was helpless, it was my mom’s instruction.

How I miss those old days now. When I was a kid and I could play with my dad. Dad used to tell us jokes and stories, make us laugh.

Mom used to tell that dad started his job with three thousand salary per month. He used to give to my grandpa, my uncle and keep some money for his own pocket money.

I started with 13,000 INR per month. It wasn’t enough for me because I had to pay my rent, my mobile bills, for my food and do shopping.

By the time I was 20, Dad was responsible for taking care of eight members with forty thousand salary per month. I would always complain about not having enough dresses, shoes or other luxury items.

Now, I earn Forty thousand a month and that is still not enough for me. I save zero at the end of the month.

Whenever dad used to be too stressed about something and end up speaking up his mind, I remember him always complaining about one thing, “nobody supports me”

I certainly never understood his problem.

Until, I started living by myself. My mom won’t come to live with me for some or the other reason. There was no one with me when I had a high body temperature. There was no one with me to console me when I was stressed or upset about something. No one would even know about what I am going through.

I remember dad used to keep quiet sometimes, when he was frustrated. I know, most of the time it would be for money.

But now I realize, it was more than just for money. We don’t always need money. Sometimes, we need love, care and affection that keep us going in life. I had a nervous breakdown when I did not have enough money to pay my credit card bills and EMIs. I have been through this twice. I just cried out loud, skipped few meals and did not speak to anyone.

My dad was a diabetic patient. He was slowly getting depressed. He was fed up of the helpless situations, not-so-supportive wife, detached daughters, his health and the tasteless diet.

He stopped talking to almost everyone.

I have clearly understood now, people are so materialistic. They are so fake. I detached myself from everyone. I don’t expect anyone beside me. I almost detached myself from my mom as well. But I couldn’t. After all, she is my mom. My love for her is unconditional.

He even tried running away from home but he couldn’t.

Now, I can totally feel him and I am glad that I am not living around people I am not happy with. I wish, he had got a chance too.

Every day, he would sit quietly, watching some comedy show on the TV but won’t really laugh. I was feeling bored of him. Mom, my siblings and I would be chatting about something, he would enter the room and we would just be quiet.

Although we did not do that intentionally, we have not done the right thing. It happens in many families, that the father would be strict and colder. As a result, Children would slowly detach from their father. I am sure every father goes through this pain but most of them just accept it as a part of life. My poor dad couldn’t accept it, he was very sensible. Learning from my dad’s lesson, I am training my mind not to hurt myself by such moments. I am learning to accept everything as a part of life. I am teaching myself to be okay with everything that does not please me.

My dad’s life just got worse with time. Sometimes he would make some joke and nobody would laugh.

His weight had reduced to 67 kgs.

He was so depressed; he had started drinking alcohol every day. Every single day, he used to be drunk.

In my early 20s, our financial condition became better.

He booked an apartment for us. He bought us a new car.

But we were not happy because he was just spending money carelessly.

He made me learn driving even though I was not much interested. He got me a driving license. He got me a PAN card too. Most of my friends did not have a PAN card. Many of them still don’t have a PAN card.

One of my friends told me to register on a job portal and I did so. I gave the interview for an IT firm and got selected. I was waiting for my joining letter. It was supposed to come in December but I had not received it until February.

And one day, he was gone. Dad passed away due to low sugar.

I got the joining letter after two days of his death.

From the day I joined to present day, I have been thinking of all the emotions dad had been through. All these days, I have been practically living my dad’s life.

I have seen all of his colors. When I was a kid, between 0-8 years old, he was very funny, jolly, full of life, caring, responsible, cheerful. He used to be a sport. He would tell us the funniest jokes in the world, funniest short stories that we loved. He would play with us, make us laugh the most. He would bring us the tastiest food in the world. We would have lunch and dinner together. We would fight to sit beside him. He would talk to us so politely, nicely and lovingly. He would treat us like a princess. We used to tell him all our problems.

When I was growing up, between 9-13 years old, he became a little serious because his kids were growing up. He used to be stressed yet responsible, caring and funny. He was trying his best to keep a balance of everything, the financial condition plus his children’s upbringing. He had to be a mixture of a strict and a loving dad. He had to be a strict dad for his teenage son, growing to be an adult, yet a friendly dad to whom his son could reach out to, when in trouble. Unfortunately, he could not handle the situation alone and did not get the support from his life partner. His love for his son could not be understood or valued by his son, neither by his life partner. As a result, he failed. He failed in raising his children with a great future.

When I grew up more, between 14-20 ears old, he was just serious. He was not funny or jolly anymore. He was just sad. He used to cry for the pain he was going through and to be understood. He was only expecting a little support from his family. He was depressed, trying hard to be happy. Sometimes he would make silly jokes, trying to bring back those old days and to bring his old-happy family back, but nobody laughs. He was sad, miserable, broken, under-valued yet a family-lover.

When I was between 21-23 years old, he had given up on crying in front of everyone just to be understood, he was less bothered about his health or what everyone says. He was no more begging for the moral support that he badly needed. He had finally accepted his life as it was. He did not want to bother what we think about what he does or how he behaves because we never bothered about his emotions. He did everything he wanted with or without our vote. But he was still a responsible dad. He knew he had a family to take care of and he did his job till his last beat. No matter how carefree he had become, I know the heart of a dad was still alive inside him. He still had the same love for his children. He was still a caring father; he was still a family-lover till his last breath.

Now, I know, what it feels like but he is no more around us. It’s too late now. I wish he was here when I have totally understood him, his pain, his feelings. Now, I understand his depression. It’s good that he is no more alive to go through such pain anymore, where his family couldn’t understand him. Sometimes, I feel, he should have been set free, to live somewhere away from people who are not happy with him, but for his family, the society was more important.

Now, we feel proud of everything he had done for us. We have our own house. We can’t express how useful that car has been to us now. I am so grateful to him for everything he has done for us; the driving lessons, the driving license, the PAN card, Aadhar card and most of all, his teachings.